Review: Watchmen

When Bret Easton Ellis characters become superheroes...

Watchmen is essentially The Dark Knight's loser cousin from the '80s. You want to hate him, and you often you—the inadvertent cheesiness, the amateur taste in film, the even more amateur taste in music, the overstatement, in well, just about everything, but in the end, you really can't, because, after all, he's still family.

Zack 'the Goddamn fanboy' Snyder takes what is supposedly the most famous graphic novel/comic book/whatever of all time and, in a certain sense, gives it the grandiose spectacle it deserves. But its spectacle is multifaceted and while it can wow you at times (blood, sex, SLOW-MOTION!) it's also a convoluted, frankly psychedelic mess that simply cannot be ignored. The fact that Dr. Manhattan (played by Billy Crudup) disappears on Mars playing with ice for what, 3/5 (yes, this movie is long enough to be considered in fifths) of the movie, shows this more than anything.

Looking like something out of Batman Forever, these collective anti(super)heroes actually come to wear on you and could even be called interesting. Three in particular, propelled by the fine performances behind them, stand out amongst the crowd. First and foremost, there is, almost unavoidably, the film's narrator, Rorschach (an admittedly wonderful Jackie Earle Haley—especially when he takes off the mask), who strangely provides the movie's sparse comic relief but does so to great effect. Secondly, there is Ozymandias (Matthew Goode), whose real-life persona looks straight out of a Bret Easton Ellis adaptation (who couldn't love that purple suit). And thirdly, there is, of course, The Comedian (Jeffrey Dean Morgan), murderer, rapist, and sleazeball extraordinaire (not to mention a superhero), who provides the moral compass to Rorschach's heart of the film. These, along with the rest of the heroes, all feel important; they all gel and add something to the narrative and its tone. This is one of Watchmen's greatest strengths, but that could just be because of the great source material. I really wouldn't know, admittedly.

The best moments come when the film calms down for once—when we follow Rorschach wandering around the streets, narrating, or, well, I really can't think of any other moments where the film actually slows down, or at least that are worthwhile. The film's a definite rollercoaster, but not one that is particularly new or inventive. It's just something to have fun on for awhile.

In the end, I couldn't help but wonder (as many others have) that if the film had been in the hands of a more capable director, that is, not the overrated and overhyped Zack Snyder, that Watchmen actually could've been something, possibly even something rivaling its more noble cousin. This notion has been generally shared amongst critics, but the truth is, does it really matter? Countless amounts of people have already and will indeed "watch the Watchmen," and I guarantee you that 9 out of 10 of them will go out of the theater with some little Keanu Reeves "Whoa" in their head, telling their friends that "that movie was crazy."


**1/2 out of ****

~ Patrick Fryberger