Ranking Van Damage

To kick off the new month of May and to celebrate a superb April, I've decided to rank and discuss the films of my personal-favorite action star, Jean-Claude Van Damme. Hopefully, this feature can be continued in the following months with other actioners such as Steven Seagal, Wesley Snipes, Dolph Lundgren, and so on. Either way, without further ado, here is Jean-Claude Van Damme, ranked:


THE GOOD:


Saving the day with John Woo; the glory days of Van Damage

Hard Target

There will never be another action collaboration as monumental as John Woo and Jean-Claude Van Damme. Throw into the mix Yancy Butler, Lance Henriksen, and Arnold Vosloo, and you've got an action movie for the decades. It's just spectacular.

J.C.V.D.

To say that Van Damme gives one of the best performances of 2008 sounds strange, but to say it's one of the best of the decade sounds downright unbelievable. Well, believe it. If anything, it's a testament to the actor Van Damme always was—one who (almost) always gave his best, regardless of how poor the material was.

Universal Soldier

Arguably the greatest action pair-up ever in Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren, this movie just rocks. As the tagline says, "The future has a bad attitude."

Sudden Death

Van Damme fights a mascot, hotwires a stadium, and even finds the time to play hockey in this 'Diehard at the Stanley Cup Finals' with Powers Boothe as an overly ruthless villain. Need I say more? Yes, yes I do—he also plays a Fire Marshall, by the way.

Lionheart

The most 'Van Dammy' of any Van Damme film. The title, as awkward and cheesy as it sounds, fits perfectly. It's about a lion with a heart, which pretty much sums up Van Damme as a person, at least on his better days. A great cast, great fight scenes and great one-liners round out the experience. It's just great.

Bloodsport

The one that started it all, there's really not much more to say. It's the spiritual successor to Enter the Dragon with a young Van Damme taking on Bolo Yeung (who was actually featured in Dragon) set with cheesy '80s music and well-placed slow-motion. Also look for Forest Whitaker looking like he doesn't want to be there. An action classic through and through.

Replicant

Van Damme gives his best dual-role performance playing a serial killer and its infantile clone. He's better in the latter role (the long-haired serial killer Van Damme is just odd), but each is solid in its own right. Kudos to Ringo Lam for the clever casting of Michel Rooker (Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer) and for giving Van Damme quality material to work with again and again.

Death Warrant

One of the classic Van Damages, this prison-fight movie is propelled by an inspired villain performance from Patrick Kilpatrick ("Bring me a dream, Burke, bring me a dream") and a spectacular finale deep in the boiler room of the prison complex. The DVD cover is also priceless.

Nowhere to Run

This is probably the best-produced Van Damme film ever made, so much so that Van Damme feels out of place amongst a cast of superior actors (Rosanna Arquette, Joss Ackland, and even Kieran Culkin). But it's Ted Levine who steals the show as an eerie yet uncompromising 'fixer' character, giving Van Damme a run for his money in an incredibly visceral end showdown.

Street Fighter

This movie gets such a bad rap. The truth is, all you have to do is work up the courage (I remember I had to) to sit through it again and I bet you, no—I guarantee you that you'll have a good time. Trust me on this one, it's a lot more fun than you probably remember. Also, it's undeniable that Van Damme is picture-perfect as Guile.

In Hell

Another great Ringo Lam-Van Damme collaboration, In Hell is like a dramatic Death Warrant, complete with ultraviolent fight scenes and unflinching brutality. It's certainly no popcorn entertainment, and Van Damme gives another multilayered performance as Lam directs him with old-school grace. Lawrence Taylor is also a surprise, playing a nutso inmate with a philosophical side. Don't let the title, DVD cover, or my underwhelming description mislead you—see this film immediately.


THE BAD:


Van Damme in trouble; the bad of Van Damage

Black Eagle

People can be little hard on this one. Personally, I enjoy the spy-espionage setup and the three fights between Shô Kosugi and Van Damme. Sure, it has its clunky moments, but it's not as bad as people say.

Kickboxer

I've always thought of Kickboxer as the training scene from Bloodsport extended into a full movie, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Like all early Van Damage, you've got the supporting African-American character, cheesy 80s music (this time with dancing!), and a stoic and monstrous foreign villain. All in all, it's a good Damme time!

The Shepherd: Border Patrol

If for nothing else, to see the extremely-talented Scott Adkins, who idolized Van Damme as a kid, go head-to-head with the man himself makes this throwaway DTD title essential viewing. Any fight with Adkins is essential, but this has a deeper meaning to it. See it immediately if you haven't already.

Maximum Risk

Pretty much a solid thriller on all levels except for the fact that there's nothing really memorable about it—not even a good action sequence. Ringo Lam and Van Damme's first collaboration.

The Order

The humor is so wacky that you pretty much have to buy into it. It's like a full-out, juvenile adrenaline rush which just happens to feature Charlton Heston(!?) as well as great supporting actioners Brian Thompson and Ben Cross. Van Damme seems to be having fun here, and if for no other reason that seems to make it work.

Legionnaire

Well-produced, well-acted, hell, maybe well-written, but that doesn't necessarily make it interesting. Either way, a completely different path for Van Damme in the shittank of his career.

Double Team

The eye-candy action of the Charlie's Angels franchise may have a root in this unhinged, completely nonsensical action romp featuring the freakish Dennis Rodman and a washed-up Mickey Rourke. I can honestly say that I don’t think I've seen a crazier finale than Double Team's, well, maybe Fantasy Mission Force, but that’s it.

Cyborg

This is probably the strangest film Van Damme has ever made. The set design, the locations, the ridiculous costumes and Guitar-inspired names (Gibson Rickenbacker, anyone?), such a strange, fascinating, little world is created. Despite an overt lack of fireworks, its appeal is undeniable.

No Retreat, No Surrender

When Van Damme is outclassing the other actors around him chances are the movie's pretty bad, and that’s definitely the case with No Retreat, No Surrender. It's to the point where you're only left two options; laugh, or sink into complete delirium as some sort of defense mechanism. Luckily for me, I could accomplish the former. It's also worth noting how just two-three years later Van Damme would be playing the hero instead of the villain in this kind of setup.

Until Death

Van Damme gives an earnest performance as a Bad Lieutenant-esque cop coming back from a Hard to Kill-esque coma. Simply put, that odd combination just doesn’t work, but it's worth seeing for Van Damme nonetheless. Stephen Rea is uncharacteristically terrible as the villain. He's just terrible!

Knock Off

A wild mess of a film, but that almost works to its advantage. Van Damme plays a fashion designer (???), or something. It's just ridiculous and knowingly so. Also features Rob Schneider and Paul Sorvino.

TimeCop

I've never understood the praise for this one. Everyone raves about it like it was some smart, sci-fi thriller where Van Damme actually acted, or something. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint but it achieves neither. Passable, at best.


THE UGLY:


"That fuckin' hurt,"; things get ugly for Van Damme and co.

Derailed

You've heard all the jokes before: it's Under Siege 2.5, or that "Derailed" was Van Damme’s career at the time, but, if you actually take the time to sit through it, it's actually pretty hilarious. It's not just 'so-bad-it's-good,' it's so terrible it's wonderful.

Double Impact

Flat, clichéd, and just plain off, this double dose of Van Damage has never worked for me. Though Van Damme gives it his all, the end result simply just doesn't work. Like TimeCop, it's achieved an over-bloated reputation in the action world. Truth be told, one Van Damme is usually enough.

Universal Soldier: The Return

Trying to ride the wake of the previous Universal Soldier, this wasted sequel ends up drowning, almost literally—in an opening jet-ski chase through a swamp. The whole film is unbearably trashy, and the only noteworthy scene is a great fight between Van Damme and real-life friend Michel Jai White.

Wake of Death

Would it be too much to call a DTD Van Damme film overrated? Well, it is. It's not a 'return to form' and Van Damme is only 'back' in a literal sense. Ringo Lam left the project for some reason or another—if he had stayed, maybe things would've been different.

The Hard Corps

Some pretty leaves and Van Damme admitting "That fuckin' hurt," are the only things that make this DTD title worth mentioning. Van Damme sleepwalks through this one.

Desert Heat

Yojimbo, this is not. A Fistful of Dollars, this is not. Even Last Man Standing, this is not. It's just not. Danny Trejo plays an Indian… I'll say it again: Danny Trejo plays an Indian.

The Quest

Van Damme sure made a muck of this one. It's a poorly written, poorly directed (by Van Damme himself) Bloodsport retread with nothing particularly memorable except a few so-bad-their-good moments. And he supposedly missed roles in Heat and Mortal Kombat for this? Jeez.

Second in Command

There is nothing even remotely worth mentioning here. Nothing.

So there you have it, Jean-Claude Van Damme, ranked. As a sort of a coda, I'd like to end this off with a teaser of Van Damme's arguable crowning acheivement, J.C.V.D., in the great opening sequence wonderfully parodying the junk he's been doing for the past decade. If you'll forgive my corniness, it's Van-Damme-good:

Photo Credit: Latter two photos courtesy of FanDamme