Movies I'm NOT looking forward to

As a sort of morbid inversion to my positive ramblings on upcoming action movies, I've decided to discuss some of the more usual summer shit that's coming our way. I'll try and keep this short, but I'm already getting pissy (I'll also try and look at some of the more promising titles that I had originally neglected).

THE UGLY:

Fighting

Just go watch Lionheart again. For fuck's sake. Modernized, dumbed-down (can an action movie really be dumbed down? Yes-- Nikita made into Point of No Return, and-- other movies to come in this very column!!). And it's called Fighting. Fighting!

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Go watch this instead. The only reason I'd even consider seeing this (apart from the whole debacle it's been through already) is for the random mutants round up as a cheap draw-in for fanboys. Did anyone ever care about Wolverine when he was finally transferred to the screen? Did anyone???

The Limits of Control

It's about that time for Jim Jarmusch to make another misstep. I'm sorry but this just doesn't look inspiring. It feels clumsily thrown together (the trailer, the poster, the story?) with a forcibly indie cast (not even worth listing) and an even more forcibly indie feel. Whatever.

Star Trek

I'd take Brett Ratner over J.J. Abrams any day and I hate Brett Ratner just as much as anyone. I will NEVER understand how people actually enjoyed Mission: Impossible III or the douchebag fest that was Cloverfield or any of his goddamned TV shows. Like Fighting, this looks dumbed down, modernized, and a complete waste of my fucking time.

Angels and Demons

Why am I even listing this? Tom Hanks has become an abomination. Maybe (hopefully) it's just because of that Nicolas Cage-Bangkok Dangerous hair he has going on.

The Taking of Pelham 123

My patience with Tony Scott has reached its fiery end. Not only is he bastardizing a wonderful '70s classic that has unfortunately become famous for directly influencing Quentin Tarantino (more on him later), but he is wasting everyone's time right on down the fucking line from Denzel Washington's to John Travolta's to his own not to mention ours. The gig's up, Tony! I will not turn my head the other way anymore! Oh no!

Public Enemies

Heat gone 1930s and digitial (wtf!?) with the equally overrated Depp and Bale chasing each other around oh-my-fucking-god how I wish I cared and how I wish Michael Mann had something left in the tank.

Inglourious Basterds

Mr. Tarantino's ego has finally reached its head and is going to explode! I hope it does! I've had it! No more patience, no more tolerance. This looks terrible.

THE BAD:

Terminator: Salvation

Looks passable, but has a definite unwarranted hype surrounding it. I mean, I like McG, but doing Terminator? My goodness.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

As nauseatingly horrid as the first one could be, this bigger-stronger-faster kind of sequel just looks too awesome to pass up. Let's hope it delivers.

G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra

This has big-budget mess written all over it. Yet, maybe for that very reason/maybe for something else, I still want to see it, and see it I will.

THE GOOD:

The Hurt Locker

Obviously. Essential. Viewing. Nothing. More. To. Say.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

When HP went all dorky-wizarding-shootout on our ass (in other words, bad action movie) in the finale of Order of the Phoenix, I knew the series could only get more awesome from there. And more awesome it has become. I mean, did you ever catch the original international teaser!? (!!!!)

Pandorum

If you've never seen Paul W.S. Anderson's Event Horizon or even Resident Evil then you're probably not very excited for this. If you've never seen Solaris, Alien or the recent Sunshine then you're probably not excited for this. Who doesn't love sci-fi horror? As lowly as he can be, Anderson (producing this time) delivers in this department.


Well, there you have it. The Ugly, the Bad, and the Good-Looking, coming to you this summer in 3D-HD-Digital and with a special talk led by the director, a.k.a., yours truly. Thank you and goodnight.