Review: G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra

By just looking at this image, you are experiencing the only redeeming element of this film, which, even in itself, is politically-marred, and only looks good because the distance of the C.G.I.

Mixing the political philosophies of '80s Chuck Norris films, the humor and sensibilities of Michael Bay, the shaky-cam/quick-cut/dull color palette of the new millennium, and wall-to-wall C.G.I., Stephen Sommers (a scrappy, poor-man's Bay in himself), has created a cultural stain which, as was said with Transformers 2 and the long, high heap of trash before it, will define this decade in a similarly negative light as the 1980s. Yes, it's that significant, and that's why I'm even taking the time to write a review G.I. Joe: Fall of Cinema as an Art.

First off, a couple of 'if's: 1.) If a movie ever made me feel uncomfortable to be alive, it was G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra. Forget your Clockwork Oranges, Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killers, and Funny Games, there's a new sheriff in town, and he's kicking ass. 2.) If this what children are being raised on, then the end really is coming, and we'll have to keep cranking out the post-apocalyptic flicks so we know what to do when that time comes. 3.) If Michael Bay is rich and retarded, then Stephen Sommers is poor and stupid. At least Michael Bay has the production values to flaunt and exhibit his inanity. Joe was genuinely made on a wing and a prayer, or rather, a computer, with a bunch of actors who really needed a job (or really need an agent?).

I really thought the Bush, no—Reagan era was over, but I guess it's just finding its second wind. The blind-as-a-bat patriotism is not only insulting to children, but to toys. As are the C.G.I. helicopters, and polar bears, and Eiffel Tower, and White House, and actors (and movie?). The truth is, even reviewing movies like G.I. Joe makes me feel uncomfortable. It's as if Transformers and The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor had a baby, and named it Cobra (stay classy, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, stay classy!).

Why am I giving this one star? Well, because, unlike the '80s, the film manages to feature an ethnically and racially diverse cast, even if on an elementary level. And secondly, because of the above image, and how it's PRETTY FUCKIN' AWESOME. The G.I. Joe team also manages to drive a totally uncool, ugly-ass foriegn van instead of the prototypical hummer, so props for that!


1/2 out of ****

~ Patrick Fryberger