Review: 2012

But it's only 2009!

With the 'disaster movie' reaching the end of its rope, something had to be done. Y2K, global warming, astrology, monsters-aliens-machines, who really cares anymore? Fortunately for us, genre kingpin Roland Emmerich did, foreseeing this (just like Mayans, word), and won't go quietly. The result is just a few years away: 2012.

I won't even waste time with story because the film sure doesn't and would have no business anyway. The first half is disaster upon disaster upon disaster upon catastrophe, with the respectable C.G.I. painting up the end of the world as one helluva show. Taking himself a little more seriously, but not to any detrimental extent, Emmerich has fine-tuned this beast to perfection. The disaster movie is no longer a complete disaster, at least. The blatant stupidity is smoothed out, the one-liners are mostly tossed, villains are made less villainous/heroism is spread around and amongst a diverse cast at that; all that matters here is the disaster and the death count, and man, is there plenty. I've never seen so many people get killed in a movie. It gets to the point where death is actually uncomfortable to watch again.

Textbook disaster-movie casting. John Cusack spends his 2 1/2 hours trying to escape the movie and save his career, whoa-ing and no-no-no-ing his way through the ride. Like with Deep Impact, black Presidents = disaster and this time it's a serviceable Danny Glover. Names like Amanda Peet, Chiwetel Ejiofor, and Thandie Newton (lookin' mighty fine!) are the perfect failed-but-still-recognizable stardom for this kind of dross. Cameos by Woody Harrelson and George Segal are welcomed. Throw in some holdovers from The Dark Knight as well as disaster-movie specialist Oliver Platt and you've got yourself a fine group to kill off and put through hell.

Also worthy of note is the 'escape from L.A.' —one of the most rollicking, balls to the wall sequences ever put to film (as well as the biggest fuck you to L.A. I've ever seen)...little wonder they released it beforehand. Seeing it on the big screen is...well, beyond words. It's the mass waiting at the end of the term "snowballing," except that it's made of metal and concrete and all things loud and big, grinding your conscious with an inconceivable level of excitement.

If the Rolling Stones claimed to be "A Bigger Bang," as in bigger than the Big Bang, then 2012 is "The Biggest Bang," the biggest bang of them all. It's is an experience more than anything, the kind of thing you'd see at an IMAX when IMAXs screened those random science and nature documentaries. Emmerich has always had traces of talent, and here he knows his strengths and exploits them to the furthest extent, taking the world (and everyone in it) down with him. In the end, the fishies had a field day. Oh Fuck This Shit.


**1/2 out of ****

~ Patrick Fryberger