An abomination the likes of you've never seen before
I'm sorry, but I just have to get this out right now. I've been revisiting the Bond films, watching my own little 'James Bond marathon' for a future/potential feature on this blog. I made it out of the initial Connery run, and, having never seen On Her Majesty's Secret Service, even as a child (I, like most boys of my generation, was educated in James Bond by my father, and thoroughly), I was actually kind looking forward to it. I'm usually a sucker for when franchises try a different angle on something or try to refresh the genre or what have you, but I don't suck this bad, goodness no, not as bad as On Her Majesty's Secret Service.
I would take the time to craft a nicely-written piece with pics and witty captions and the whole nine-fucking-yards but frankly, this bastard of a film doesn't deserve it, in fact, I should probably quit now, but I have my reasons, which will be explained presently.
First of all, I would probably be able to ignore this disgrace or even maybe enjoy it in a Highlander 2: The Quickening kind of way if it had not experienced such a revival. Wait, revival? This was the Bond film that people once banished from the canon and left out of the marathons (as in my case) both public and personal. What in the name of Ian Fleming could've happened? Well, just take a look at the IMDb user comments or at blogs around the web and you'll see what I mean. "The Best Bond Movie," "An absolute, 100% triumph," "Best (and the ONLY) James Bond film ever" "Best of the bunch" "The Strongest" "A Gem" "Underrated" and on and on and on and on. Perception, at least among younger viewers, has obviously changed, possibly because of the Daniel Craig version of the character (which, for better or worse, does channel some of Lazenby's take). Before I continue on to rip this film a new asshole, I want to make something clear. There is the legacy of the Bond novels by Ian Fleming, and there is the legacy of Bond films. These, despite their evident connection, are completely different in style and scope. If, as many people say, On Her Majesty's Secret Service was the closest to the original novels, then I can't argue with that, but a good book doesn't necessarily make a good movie. Almost always, changes are obviously made, and more often than not, for the better—the better of the medium. Just look at Stanley Kubrick's version of The Shining, or 2001, or the rest of the adaptations he did for the greater part of his career. On the flipside, look at Watchmen, which 'ripped the material right off the page,' and ultimately resulted in an incredibly clunky film, sporadically entertaining but critically and commercially a failure. And even I can forgive Watchmen for its misstep; there was a lot of effort to make the material filmmable, even if it didn't turn out that way. As one of the few negative reviews for Majesty on IMDb notes, "A for effort, C for outcome," and while I mostly agree with that statement I feel the effort was maybe a B- and the outcome was a straight-up F. Okay, maybe D-, but that's it.
So, now that I've hopefully placed my hatred for this disasterpiece in some context, I'm now going to proceed to explain the very nature of that hatred and why On Her Majesty's Secret Service is, indeed, a terrible film:
Right from the outset, On Her Majesty's Secret Service gives us a dull opening sequence consisting of an off-setting and uninteresting flirt fest-turned-suicide attempt-turned-henchmen attack complete with a wasted chance for a car chase on a poorly-lit beach. This incompetent introduction for George Lazenby is an abomination, and it is only exacerbated by the infamous "the other fella" quote. But it doesn't stop there, as the uninspired credits montage comprised of a staggering amount of clips from the previous five films takes over, sealing the deal and setting the tone for this complete junker of an action film. And one of the worse elements is just that--the action sequences are, believe it or not, overrated. They're clunky, prolonged, and most of all just poorly conceived, and the camera is often visibly sped up to supposedly make the action more 'exciting.' And for the famed skiing chases, they end up spending more time on green-screen close-ups than with the stuntmen and the actual Alps.
Apart from a nice bit by Louis Armstrong, the music, or more accurately the use of it, is simply dreadful. There's a bad synthesized bit at the beginning and then the classical Bond theme, filmically holy as Star Wars, Batman, or "As Time Goes By," is used superfluously—multiple times—in the finale. And it is not a variation, mind you, but just the original recording that's usually reserved more or less exclusively for the opening and ending credits. The sequence at Blofeld's research facility, with Bond wearing a skirt, the ditzy female patients, the pseudo-futuristic technology and psychedelic colors is just a joke, just a goddamn fucking joke, and it's probably the single-most source of parody for the Austin Powers series. And Blofeld, made so larger-than-life by Donald Pleasance and so memorable in his parodied version by Mike Myers, is seemingly randomly cast as Terry Savalas, making him an any-given Bond villain who is unfathomably reduced to nothing more than a mere thug in the film's wedding coda.
Above all, the biggest mistake On Her Majesty's Secret Service makes is that it raises one too many questions: What is Bond doing away from MI6? Why is he running? Why should we care? Why does he pull that retirement stunt? Why does he hire mercenaries—who work for a supposed demolition company—to help him? Bond gets married!? Why does the movie end on a flat-out depressing note—and then shamelessly play the Bond theme, for the fourth time?
And the truth is, George Lazenby just doesn’t work as Bond: his confidence is minimal, his voice is awkward, and his face looks too timid and boyish for the role. But we really shouldn't blame him, as this overlong, ripped-from-the-page massacre was originally supposed to be handled by the 'original' Bond, Sean Connery. Maybe it would've worked under those circumstances, maybe it wouldn't, either way, what we're left with is a mess, plain and simple, and a mess that shouldn't be elevated above the status of disasterpiece alongside such works as Heaven's Gate, Highlander 2: The Quickening, and Southland Tales (all of which I openly enjoy). This is why, that "other fella," On Her Majesty's Secret Service, is a terrible, terrible film.
That is all (end rant).
To kick off the new month of May and to celebrate a superb April, I've decided to rank and discuss the films of my personal-favorite action star, Jean-Claude Van Damme. Hopefully, this feature can be continued in the following months with other actioners such as Steven Seagal, Wesley Snipes, Dolph Lundgren, and so on. Either way, without further ado, here is Jean-Claude Van Damme, ranked:
THE GOOD:
Saving the day with John Woo; the glory days of Van Damage
Hard Target
There will never be another action collaboration as monumental as John Woo and Jean-Claude Van Damme. Throw into the mix Yancy Butler, Lance Henriksen, and Arnold Vosloo, and you've got an action movie for the decades. It's just spectacular.
J.C.V.D.
To say that Van Damme gives one of the best performances of 2008 sounds strange, but to say it's one of the best of the decade sounds downright unbelievable. Well, believe it. If anything, it's a testament to the actor Van Damme always was—one who (almost) always gave his best, regardless of how poor the material was.
Universal Soldier
Arguably the greatest action pair-up ever in Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren, this movie just rocks. As the tagline says, "The future has a bad attitude."
Sudden Death
Van Damme fights a mascot, hotwires a stadium, and even finds the time to play hockey in this 'Diehard at the Stanley Cup Finals' with Powers Boothe as an overly ruthless villain. Need I say more? Yes, yes I do—he also plays a Fire Marshall, by the way.
Lionheart
The most 'Van Dammy' of any Van Damme film. The title, as awkward and cheesy as it sounds, fits perfectly. It's about a lion with a heart, which pretty much sums up Van Damme as a person, at least on his better days. A great cast, great fight scenes and great one-liners round out the experience. It's just great.
Bloodsport
The one that started it all, there's really not much more to say. It's the spiritual successor to Enter the Dragon with a young Van Damme taking on Bolo Yeung (who was actually featured in Dragon) set with cheesy '80s music and well-placed slow-motion. Also look for Forest Whitaker looking like he doesn't want to be there. An action classic through and through.
Replicant
Van Damme gives his best dual-role performance playing a serial killer and its infantile clone. He's better in the latter role (the long-haired serial killer Van Damme is just odd), but each is solid in its own right. Kudos to Ringo Lam for the clever casting of Michel Rooker (Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer) and for giving Van Damme quality material to work with again and again.
Death Warrant
One of the classic Van Damages, this prison-fight movie is propelled by an inspired villain performance from Patrick Kilpatrick ("Bring me a dream, Burke, bring me a dream") and a spectacular finale deep in the boiler room of the prison complex. The DVD cover is also priceless.
Nowhere to Run
This is probably the best-produced Van Damme film ever made, so much so that Van Damme feels out of place amongst a cast of superior actors (Rosanna Arquette, Joss Ackland, and even Kieran Culkin). But it's Ted Levine who steals the show as an eerie yet uncompromising 'fixer' character, giving Van Damme a run for his money in an incredibly visceral end showdown.
Street Fighter
This movie gets such a bad rap. The truth is, all you have to do is work up the courage (I remember I had to) to sit through it again and I bet you, no—I guarantee you that you'll have a good time. Trust me on this one, it's a lot more fun than you probably remember. Also, it's undeniable that Van Damme is picture-perfect as Guile.
In Hell
Another great Ringo Lam-Van Damme collaboration, In Hell is like a dramatic Death Warrant, complete with ultraviolent fight scenes and unflinching brutality. It's certainly no popcorn entertainment, and Van Damme gives another multilayered performance as Lam directs him with old-school grace. Lawrence Taylor is also a surprise, playing a nutso inmate with a philosophical side. Don't let the title, DVD cover, or my underwhelming description mislead you—see this film immediately.
THE BAD:
Van Damme in trouble; the bad of Van Damage
Black Eagle
People can be little hard on this one. Personally, I enjoy the spy-espionage setup and the three fights between Shô Kosugi and Van Damme. Sure, it has its clunky moments, but it's not as bad as people say.
Kickboxer
I've always thought of Kickboxer as the training scene from Bloodsport extended into a full movie, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Like all early Van Damage, you've got the supporting African-American character, cheesy 80s music (this time with dancing!), and a stoic and monstrous foreign villain. All in all, it's a good Damme time!
The Shepherd: Border Patrol
If for nothing else, to see the extremely-talented Scott Adkins, who idolized Van Damme as a kid, go head-to-head with the man himself makes this throwaway DTD title essential viewing. Any fight with Adkins is essential, but this has a deeper meaning to it. See it immediately if you haven't already.
Maximum Risk
Pretty much a solid thriller on all levels except for the fact that there's nothing really memorable about it—not even a good action sequence. Ringo Lam and Van Damme's first collaboration.
The Order
The humor is so wacky that you pretty much have to buy into it. It's like a full-out, juvenile adrenaline rush which just happens to feature Charlton Heston(!?) as well as great supporting actioners Brian Thompson and Ben Cross. Van Damme seems to be having fun here, and if for no other reason that seems to make it work.
Legionnaire
Well-produced, well-acted, hell, maybe well-written, but that doesn't necessarily make it interesting. Either way, a completely different path for Van Damme in the shittank of his career.
Double Team
The eye-candy action of the Charlie's Angels franchise may have a root in this unhinged, completely nonsensical action romp featuring the freakish Dennis Rodman and a washed-up Mickey Rourke. I can honestly say that I don’t think I've seen a crazier finale than Double Team's, well, maybe Fantasy Mission Force, but that’s it.
Cyborg
This is probably the strangest film Van Damme has ever made. The set design, the locations, the ridiculous costumes and Guitar-inspired names (Gibson Rickenbacker, anyone?), such a strange, fascinating, little world is created. Despite an overt lack of fireworks, its appeal is undeniable.
No Retreat, No Surrender
When Van Damme is outclassing the other actors around him chances are the movie's pretty bad, and that’s definitely the case with No Retreat, No Surrender. It's to the point where you're only left two options; laugh, or sink into complete delirium as some sort of defense mechanism. Luckily for me, I could accomplish the former. It's also worth noting how just two-three years later Van Damme would be playing the hero instead of the villain in this kind of setup.
Until Death
Van Damme gives an earnest performance as a Bad Lieutenant-esque cop coming back from a Hard to Kill-esque coma. Simply put, that odd combination just doesn’t work, but it's worth seeing for Van Damme nonetheless. Stephen Rea is uncharacteristically terrible as the villain. He's just terrible!
Knock Off
A wild mess of a film, but that almost works to its advantage. Van Damme plays a fashion designer (???), or something. It's just ridiculous and knowingly so. Also features Rob Schneider and Paul Sorvino.
TimeCop
I've never understood the praise for this one. Everyone raves about it like it was some smart, sci-fi thriller where Van Damme actually acted, or something. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint but it achieves neither. Passable, at best.
THE UGLY:
"That fuckin' hurt,"; things get ugly for Van Damme and co.
Derailed
You've heard all the jokes before: it's Under Siege 2.5, or that "Derailed" was Van Damme’s career at the time, but, if you actually take the time to sit through it, it's actually pretty hilarious. It's not just 'so-bad-it's-good,' it's so terrible it's wonderful.
Double Impact
Flat, clichéd, and just plain off, this double dose of Van Damage has never worked for me. Though Van Damme gives it his all, the end result simply just doesn't work. Like TimeCop, it's achieved an over-bloated reputation in the action world. Truth be told, one Van Damme is usually enough.
Universal Soldier: The Return
Trying to ride the wake of the previous Universal Soldier, this wasted sequel ends up drowning, almost literally—in an opening jet-ski chase through a swamp. The whole film is unbearably trashy, and the only noteworthy scene is a great fight between Van Damme and real-life friend Michel Jai White.
Wake of Death
Would it be too much to call a DTD Van Damme film overrated? Well, it is. It's not a 'return to form' and Van Damme is only 'back' in a literal sense. Ringo Lam left the project for some reason or another—if he had stayed, maybe things would've been different.
The Hard Corps
Some pretty leaves and Van Damme admitting "That fuckin' hurt," are the only things that make this DTD title worth mentioning. Van Damme sleepwalks through this one.
Desert Heat
Yojimbo, this is not. A Fistful of Dollars, this is not. Even Last Man Standing, this is not. It's just not. Danny Trejo plays an Indian… I'll say it again: Danny Trejo plays an Indian.
The Quest
Van Damme sure made a muck of this one. It's a poorly written, poorly directed (by Van Damme himself) Bloodsport retread with nothing particularly memorable except a few so-bad-their-good moments. And he supposedly missed roles in Heat and Mortal Kombat for this? Jeez.
Second in Command
There is nothing even remotely worth mentioning here. Nothing.
So there you have it, Jean-Claude Van Damme, ranked. As a sort of a coda, I'd like to end this off with a teaser of Van Damme's arguable crowning acheivement, J.C.V.D., in the great opening sequence wonderfully parodying the junk he's been doing for the past decade. If you'll forgive my corniness, it's Van-Damme-good:
Photo Credit: Latter two photos courtesy of FanDamme
